The Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Flash Episode 9

If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a 5 star review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere you're listening, and subscribe now for future episodes.

Directed and edited by Tom Konkle.  Written and Produced by Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford.  Starring Tom Konkle as Flash Gordon and Hawkman, Stephanie Stearns Dulli as Dale Arden, Pete Lutz as Saul, Hawkman Envoy and Guard 2,  Kurtis Bedford as Announcer 1  and Ming, Gino C. Vianelli as Thune and David Beeler as Dr. Zarkov.   

Music various in the public domain 1934.

Support the work it takes to make the show here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/TomKonkle

Discount Storytime

Proud winner of the Nobel "I Tried" Ribbon in Literature.

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Chapters

• 12:49 [Ad] Discount Storytime
• 13:37 (Cont.) The Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Flash Episode 9

Transcript

Flash Gordon Comedy episode 9

Written by Tom Konkle 

and Kurtis Bedford

Announcer: 

Presenting the  Amazing Interplanetary Adventures of Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov! 

Flash: WHAT?

(Music changes) 

Announcer:

Last week, a guy named Flash Gordon narrowly escaped death when Saul, the jealous general, fired at his back and caused him to be thrown from his horse. Queen Azura would have killed Saul with her sword, but Flash nobly spared his life. That night Mar the Spy learned of the Blue Magic Army's plan to attack the Hawkmen at Daybreak and escaped from the palace to warn Zarkov and tell him the reason for Flash's strange behavior. 

Next morning, after extended loveplay, Queen Azura gave Flash her torpedo to hurl when he got close enough to the Hawkmen. As the attack began, Mar the Spy reached the entrance to the tunnel but just as he was about to reveal the secret of Flash's failure to recognize his friend Zarkov, Mar was killed by a ray from the guns of the Blue Magic Men. At that moment, Flash Gordon was sighted riding straight for the tunnel and Dr. Zarkov, thinking he was deserting the Blue Magic Army, went out to welcome him to the ranks of the Hawkmen. When Flash reached the entrance to the tunnel he pulled his horse to a stop and hurled the torpedo which immediately exploded, freezing him in ice.

These thrilling adventures come to you as they are pictured each Sunday in the big full page comic weekly, the world's greatest pictorial supplement of humor and adventure. For the big, full-page Comic Weekly is the world's greatest variety show of humor and adventure, with every act a headliner like the Dale and Hans Variety Hour, Zarkov and Friends, and Dale!: A One Woman Show. And now we continue the story. With shouts and tumult the army of Blue Magic Men with Queen Azura at their head reached the tunnel entrance.

Meanwhile, a new chapter with the heroes in The Amazing Interplanetary Adventures of Dale Arden and Dr. Hans Zarkov!

Flash:   Wait. What did they say? The Interplanetary Adventures of WHO?

Azura:   Nobody, dear Flash. Here, drink this.  

SFX pouring liquid. 

Flash:  I don’t know how I feel about just being “a guy.”  I mean, really, I shouldn’t….thank you (drinking) (beat) (slightly drunk)  …Azura, I just wanted you to know how hot you look right now.   Whoahhh, did you see that earlier?  It worked! It worked! Our enemies are frozen into icicles

Azura: Of course it worked, my prince. Didn't I tell you what would happen when you threw the torpedo?

Flash: You're wonderful Azura. Why are men such fools to try to fight against you? 

Azura:   They don't for long  MMMMHAHAHAHAHAH  HAHAHAHAH

Flash:   Breath…mint?  (Beat). Take more, sure. Huh…Azura, do you know this man frozen with his hand raised? 

Azura:  Do you? 

Flash:   No. But…

Azura:  But what? 

Flash:  Well, it seems as though I should know him.  

Azura:  Here, drink this again. It will refresh you after a hard ride.

SFX: Flash takes a big lip smacking drink.

Beat.

Flash:  (slightly drunk)  I will lick your Mongo doorknobs.

Azura:   Kind of gross, yet kind of hot.  Now, I am curious, why do you think you should know this man, my prince?

Flash:  When I rode up to throw the torpedo, this older man came out of the tunnel with his hand raised up just as it is now,see. He surprised me so much I almost forgot to throw the torpedo. He acted like I shouldn’t throw it. But I thought, no I think I already did throw it, so boy are you guys wrong! He said, “Flash,...(to himself) let me think about it, he said…Flash… don’t throw that torpedo. 

Azura:  A cryptic phrase.  Yes. What a mystery that is to us all.  

Flash:  Yes. Hold on Azura I remember now!

Azura: Oh no…

Flash:  The old scientist said, (flatly) Flash Gordon, you fucking (bleep this out) idiot…you don’t throw a torpedo.

Azura: Oh… um yes. Perhaps in his alien Earth language that means he was surrendering.

Flash: No. No, he didn't say anything about surrendering.

Azura;  Zarkov spoke to you? What did he say?

Flash:  His name is Zarkov?

Azura: Um..yes.

Flash: Like in the title of the show??

Azura: No, my darling, this is your show.

Flash:  Right. He said, “You idiot,...let me think about it, he said., (flatly) Flash, you f- (bleeeeeep) idiot.

Azura: But nothing else?

Flash:   Why should this man call me a f(bleep)ing idiot? I've never seen him before. How could he know how I am?

Azura:  Uhhh. It was a trick Flash. When he saw you carrying the torpedo he tried to deceive you to throw you off your guard.

Flash: Why is there a “bleep” whenever I say “fuck” (bleep).  There is it again!  Fuck (bleep).   (laughing)  …that sounds funny.  Fuck (bleep).  Well anyway, it almost worked. Look at him. A man of ice now.

Azura: You are a man of steel my love. What rigid self control you have. You are truly the fertilizer of my lady garden.

Flash: Am I, beautiful Azura? I am glad to hear you say that, my queen. Fuck! (bleeep) (giggles)

Azura: Saul?

Saul: Yes.

Azura SCREAMS. Then Saul and Flash SCREAM.

Azura: Why are you hiding in the curtain next to me!?

Saul: I thought… you might need me quickly. So, I came in here yesterday with some food and my jammies and waited all night here until-

Azura: Nevermind! I want you to take these icicle prisoners back to my palace. Oh and be careful with this one. I don't want any of that to…break off.

Saul: Break off, wise hostess of my heart?

Azura:  Yes. the hand up like that, the fact he was engorged with fear at the moment of his freezing, all that could get snapped off if you aren’t careful with this impromptu ice sculpture.

Saul: Oh yes. I see that.  Your commands shall be obeyed to the letter, your splendiferousness.

Flash:  Azura?  Why are you so particular about the man who called me Flash?  Saul, did you ever hear of a man called Zarko? 

Saul:  Zarko? Zarko? 

Flash: No, hang on not Zarko..shit (bleep) what was it?  (to others) Hey, it bleeps with other words too! S-(bleep) and F-(bleep).  This is fun.   Zarkov!  His name was Zarkov!…yes. He seems to be the hero of the show… instead of ….me. 

Azura:  Here drink more of this…magic… vodka, Flash.

Saul:   No, Zarkov. I've never heard of him. Who is he? 

Flash: That is the man who called to me when I threw my torpedo at him. 

Saul:  In his own planet country, he is a wizard.

Flash: Interesting. Hey! I thought you just said you didn’t know him.

Saul:  I don’t. I just assumed from the frozen parts and the pointy hat that…perhaps he was a wizard…with a magic wand…or something…down…there.

Azura: Oh he means Zarko, Flash!  No, we’ve never heard of him. But, if he's the fellow behind that wall of chemical ice, then Zarko’s a bit of a wizard, isn't he?

Flash:  That chemical ice wall, shielding him and his crew from our combustion rays, truly showcases his magical fucking (bleeeep) prowess, doesn't it?  Butt-(bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep).

Azura: Wow, that JUST started and hey, it's already getting old… but yes. You handle Zarko the wizard with care, Saul. 

Flash: Yes. An ice wizard should be a most valuable man to have around. Could use one of those to fix the central heating back at the palace.

Azura:  You see my point exactly. I shall have Saul revive him when he gets back to the palace. And by the way, Flash?

Flash: Yes, Azura?

Azura:  The fumes of the torpedo sometimes cause odd reactions. So, if you meet this Zarko and he insists on calling you a fucking (bleeeep after word is over) idiot, crap, now I am doing it, Just remember that was the one thing on his mind before the torpedo exploded. 

Flash:   I quite understand, Azura…Good.

Azura:   And now, my victorious prince, shall we celebrate? 

KISSING AND LOVEPLAY SOUNDS.

MUSIC

Narrator:

Back in the palace, Saul carries out the witch queen's order. He has a guard strap the frozen Zarkov to a table, then he tips it into the rays of an electro-spirofluid revivifier. 

Saul:  Take care of this one, our Queen said.  I wonder why?  I must see what I can do to win her favor.

Zarkov MOANS. 

VIGOROUS RUBBING MASSAGE SOUNDS

Saul:  You are thawing out, are you? Good. I'll give you a little more heat from my thumbs and palms. How's that, stranger?

Guard:  Oh, be careful, sir. if you rub him too vigorously like that you know what that may do?  What happened to his clothes?

Saul:  They were soiled!  But, oh, yes. I…I didn't notice that… the indicator was up.   Oh. I'll be very careful of this one, she said to be. Yes. Yeah, Majesty. We'll take care of him. Hehe. Mmmm. Mmmmm.  

Soldier:  Um. sir? Saul?

Saul: Lord General! Lord General Saul!

Guard: Okay.

MASSAGE SOUNDS. Zarkov MOANS. Saul MOANS.

Saul: What?

Soldier: That’s getting creepy. That wizard is like…seventy.

Zarkov MOANS.

Saul: You are coming around, are you? Alright, stranger. Loosen the straps, slave. 

Guard:  Guard slave! Guard slave!

Zarkov MOANS again.

Saul: Yes! Yes. I wrote that memo. Loosen the straps (speaking methodically) guard slave. Come on now. Here. Put on a towel. You feel cold. Shriveled.  Let me warm these-

Guard:  Just help the wizard.  I don’t want a towel.

Saul: Fine. Fine. (Beat). Listen, don’t mention this to the palace HR department will you…slave. (catches himself and panics) Guard slave!!!

Zarkov: Is it customary in this era to greet one's comrades with such... invigorating enthusiasm? Where is your other hand?

Saul:  I assumed between the cushions. 

Zarkov: This is a metal table. 

Saul:  Well, stranger. Come on. Was aiming for the defrost button, not, ahem, conducting a personal inspection. You know how these ancient thawing machines can be.  Now there might be some speech side effects from the torpedo gasses. Take my newly oiled hand.  I will have you on your feet in a flash.

Zarkov: Flash? Flash Gordon? Fucking (bleeep)…idiot.

Saul: I am not! I am a Lord General!  (calming down) Oh.  Here, let's just chalk that up to the hazards of the thawing process, shall we? Now you can see both of my hands. Next time, perhaps a simple handshake will suffice. How do you do? 

Zarkov:  Feeling all my extremities again, and quite relieved they're all in working order after that... spirited welcome.  Who are you? What has happened? Where am I?  Where are my clothes?

Saul:  They were soiled!  You are a prisoner of Azura, queen of the blue magic men. …That frankly nobody has ever seen. See this, guard slave? 

(As Haiku). 

He is…In hues not of blue, Captured by Flash, truth breaks through, Now I see, I know.

Zarkov:  (haiku back).   Rhymes end, your haiku, In silence, questions brewing, What will you now do?

Saul: Stop this cleverness! 

SFX: SWORD DRAWN

Saul: You stand back. I have my sword pointed against your breast.

Zarkov:  (leans into clever rhyming).   

There once was a magician named Saul, 

Whose haikus could enchant me and you.

With a rub and a rhyme, 

In rhythm and time, 

He'd massage you and make his own goo.

Saul:  Was that supposed to be a limerick? We pride ourselves on our warm receptions here I confess, though perhaps I took the 'hands-on' approach a bit too literally this time. Can we just forget that happened? I think I’ve already got an issue with HR brewing here.  One move and I'll run you through!

Zarkov:  I came to rescue that fucking (bleeeep) idiot, Flash Gordon. 

Saul: Rescue him?  He doesn't need to be rescued. 

Zarkov: You mean??   Tell me the truth, you wizard of darkness, has Flash turned traitor?!

Saul:  He has drunk the queen's magic drug and has forgotten you and his sweetheart, Dale Arden, and even his own identity. 

Zarkov:  Thank the gods! 

Saul:  Wow. You really don’t like him.  You really do think he’s a fucking idiot.  Why didn’t I get a bleep?

Zarkov: No!  I was afraid the change was due to Flash himself. What is this drug of forgetfulness?

Saul:   It’s something Azura brewed up with Big Pharma here on Mongo. Called Befuddleberrium. A potent potion derived from the rarest mushrooms found only in the enchanted ghetto of Mongo. Its effects include memory loss, seeing life only in terms of a high number of likes, shares, or viral attention and temporarily speaking in limericks. Guard?!?

Guard:  Lord General Saul? 

Saul:  Oooh. You remembered the memo.  Terrific.  Take this new slave to the kitchen until her majesty makes up her mind how she will dispose of him. 

Guard:  Thank you, Lord General Saul.

Saul:  No. Thank you, guard, for remembering my new protocols. 

Zarkov:  You have forced Flash to forget himself, betray us and given him a drug that likely makes him rely solely on heavily filtered or altered photos online to remember events!  Can I get my clothes back?

Saul: THEY’RE SOILED!  If I had my way. You wouldn't be here now.

Guard: Slave wizard Zarkov, walk this way!

SFX  Walking.

Saul: If he could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the massage oil.

Zarkov:  Wait. General Saul?

Saul: (exploding, losing it)   That’s Lord General Saul! Lord! General!  How ‘bout it, Zarkov!?!

Zarkov:  What has happened to Dale Arden? 

Saul: Oh, she has the show named after her too, now. Hehehe. You will see our little star in the kitchen. 

Zarkov:  She's alive then?

Saul: Why would you assume that?

Zarkov: You said I would see her in the kitchen.

Saul:  And?

(Beat)

Zarkov:  Is she in the refrigerator vegetable drawer?

(Beat.)

Saul: No,

Zarkov: In the teapot?

Saul:   Warmer.

Zarkov:  The oven?

Saul:    Red hot!

Zarkov: She’s in the oven?!?

Saul. (sounding disappointed he didn’t think of that)  Mmm. That’s a good one.

Zarkov.  Well?!? Where is Dale?

Saul:  She is in the kitchen by the oven.  She is making her Black Hole Bean Pot. 

Zarkov:.  That’s a relief.  And Thune is with her? 

Saul:  Thune, you say? Oh, indeed, the 'Quiche Catastrophe' as the guards call him. Yes. He's there, too.  His 'crust' seems to have migrated from his quiches to his trousers.   Take Dr. Zarkov away to the kitchen. Come. Come along, slave. 

Guard:   Okay. You’re reported, again. 

Saul: Whatever. You there… put this oil and straps away. Clean up it.  Azura will be here soon..(fades away)

SFX FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR OPENS.

Zarkov:   These are the kitchens, I presume. 

Guard:  What gave it away?

Zarkov:  A room in the palace filled with the aroma of freshly baked apple pies. Though on further observation, there are no pies.  

Guard: It's the space air freshener.  It’s called “Fresh Baked Pies and Hats.” 

Zarkov:  Well, it smells delicious. Wait, do hats smell like that on Mongo? Get a load of this place!  It has a chrome-trimmed, checkered-pattern dinette set, complete with cushy vinyl chairs that scream comfort and class. It's the perfect spot for a morning cup of Joe or a late-night snack with the blue magic men!

Cheerful music under. 

Guard: Yes indeed, with its polished chrome handle and sleek, rounded edges, this icebox isn't just an appliance; it's a centerpiece. And with state-of-the-art insulation, leftovers, like you, who were recently thawed will stay fresh. 

Zarkov: And a countertop filled with companion appliances ready to whip, beat, or blend whatever your heart desires. Alongside, I see a treasure trove of gadgets like, is that a "Galactic Griddlemaster"?!

Guard: You mean the “Astro-Mixer 3000”?  It beats any meat at the speed of light.

Music halts awkwardly.

Zarkov:  Sounds painful. Furthermore, I must point out that your posture is all wrong for the effective wielding of such a device. Ergonomics, my good man!  Oh, I see you have an "Nebula-izer Espresso Machine," which I was working on inventing for years!  I wanted to harness the power of a miniature black hole to create a machine that extracts every molecule of flavor from your coffee beans. I never did perfect it.  I gave my prototype to my mother for her birthday.  I miss her dearly.  But here it looks like you have already completed!  

Guard:  You presume too much around here!  We haven’t been able to perfect the espresso machine.  I wanted a cat face in my frothy foam, but it looked more like a Tardigrade with a glandular issue. 

Zarkov:  Just curious, why is that animal carcass placed between those machines in that chair anyway? 

Guard:  The Last Jolt Jubilee Chair 3000 has electrodes. Flaming rays are roasting the carcass. 

Zarkov:  That’s very interesting. Very interesting. Electrodes, eh?. A much quicker process than roasting in an oven. Zing Zang Zoom! HAHAHA. So….is that carcass Dale?

Guard: What?!?

Dale: (running in)  Doctor Doctor!..

Zarkov: (a little sad) Oh. She’s alive. (overcompensated enthusiasm) Oh Dale! Dale Arden!

Guard:  Stay here, slave Zarkov, while I get a set of manacles for you. (fading off)  Oh, lieutenant. What's this new slave’s manacle sizes? Did you take them?

Dale:  You're safe!  Mar reached you in time, and got there safely?

Zarkov:   Yes. Well, yes and no.

Dale: What do you mean Dr. Zarkov?

Zarkov:  Mar reached me, that's true, Dale.  In a very broad sense. 

Dale:   And he told you about Flash? How he-

Zarkov:   Ah, Mar made it to the tunnel, absolutely. But, as we were, uh, facilitating his entry...just as we were pulling him into the tunnel. 

Dale:  He was killed? 

Zarkov: No!  Oh, heavens no! Not in the conventional sense. I mean, no one would say he’s enjoying life, but he was not 'killed' “killed” in the tunnel.

Dale: Not in the tunnel? Oh. So, he was hit, but only wounded by a ray from the queen's soldiers outside the tunnel?

Zarkov:  Queen's soldiers? Well, not exactly. You see, there was this ray we were using, and it was... well, it was quite indiscriminate in its direction.

Dale: Dr. Zarkov, what are you trying to say?

Zarkov: What I'm saying, Dale, is that Mar and the ray had a bit of an unfortunate rendezvous.

Dale: Dr. Zarkov, was it you? Did you—

Zarkov:  Me? Operate a ray? Dale, I'm flattered you think I have such aim as a scientist. Let's just say Mar's departure was hastened by an unexpected experiment in lethal accuracy that I was conducting.

Dale:  You accidentally—

Zarkov: Accidents are such strong words. In science there is no accounting for accidents. Let's call it an unplanned execution or Exitus Infaustus in latin.  But, let's not dwell. We have Flash to save, and unlike our dear Mar, the clock is still ticking.

Dale : Oh, Doctor Zharkov. I've been so lonely. 

Zarkov: Oh, yes? Yes. Show me. 

Dale:  Yes…What?!?   Flash has turned against me. He's completely forgotten me. 

Zarkov:  No. Well…

Dale:   Yes. He's in love with that wicked queen of magic. 

Zarkov:  No. No, dear. Flash has been drugged. He has lost his memory.

Dale:   Drugged? 

Zarkov:  Yes. 

Dale:   That's what Thune and I thought might have happened. How did you find out? 

Zarkov:  A lord general named Saul from the Borscht Asteroid Belt told me.

Dale: Saul.  Ugh.  That's the queen's creepy, personal magician. He ought to know.  Oh. Doctor Zarkoff, we must save Flash. 

Zarkov:  Yes, Dale. We must save Flash and ourselves too.

Dale: Oh, I'm so glad you’re here, Dr. Zarkov! Thune and I both wished you could have helped us. You know so much about science and electricity. 

Zarkov: Where is Thune? Saul said I would see the Lionman here.

Dale:  Well, in getting away from the guards, Mar went out the southern gate. Thune and I went with him to see that the coast is clear.

(beat)

Zarkov:  And go on. 

Dale:  Oh!  Well, after Mar followed Thune’s long form improv exercise to fool the guard…Mar slipped out covered in blood.  The next thing we knew the guard came after us and blamed us for his escape.

Zarkov:  How could they have linked you with Mar? 

Dale:  Oh, they saw us talking together. 

Zarkov:  Oh. 

Dale :  And one of the inner palace guards had challenged us about all the noise and blood during the improv exercise near the gate just before Mar slipped out. 

Zarkov:   I see.

Dale:  To keep us separate. Thune is in a cell.  They bring him in here to do his work and take him away again. I shall be glad to see him. 

SFX Footsteps approach

Guard:  Now what is going on here? Get to work, slave.

Zarkov: Yes. We will go.

Guard:   What is your hurry, doll?  We have got lots of time for work.

Dale:  Let go of me!

Zarkov: Why should I?

Dale: Not you! The guard! Although…

Guard:   Come come. No back talk. You’ll taste my electric whip. 

Dale:   Oh, goodness.  No.

Guard:   Guard, see that this new prisoner learns our magic man discipline. 

Guard 2. Yes!. 

Guard :   Guard, prepare some little cakes and fill these two flagons with the wacko juice, her majesty returns and requires refreshments. 

Guard 2 : Yes!  

Guard .   Her majesty is very particular about these solid gold flagons. See that Flash Gordon gets this large one with Befuddleberrium handed to him. And her majesty always gets the smaller and more delicate glass bottle drink. 

Guard 2.   Yes.

(Beat)

Guard:  Well, what are you standing there for? Hurry. Hurry. Can't you see that reproduction of Ming’s head over there, with the red eyes flashing? 

Guard 2:   What has that got to do with our guard stuff? 

Guard:   Whenever Queen Azura wishes a bottle, those Ming eyes light up red..  You can almost judge her mood from the flashing of the eyes. 

Guard 2:  Wonderful. As if this work environment wasn’t hostile enough. 

Guard 1: Her majesty is coming.   Hurry now. 

Zarkov:   In the meantime, until you get those manacles for me, I'll have a look around the kitchen. 

Music transition. 

Announcer:   In the grand throne room of Ming the Merciless, Emperor of Mongo. Ming sits upon his imposing throne, flanked by his royal guards. Prince Baron, leader of Arboria, stands defiantly before Ming.  Princess Aura, Ming's daughter, is by his side, her allegiance torn between her father, and her love for Baron and Flash Gordon. 

Ming: (impatiently) What is this squabble that disturbs the peace of my court, Prince Baron?

Baron: Mighty Ming, I come to claim the hand of Princess Aura in marriage. Our union will bring peace between Arboria and your empire.

Ming:  What say you, daughter?

Aura: (coyly) Father, Baron is brave and noble, but my heart... it yearns for adventure, for the thrill of the unknown.

Ming: (sneering)  Ah, the fickle heart of a princess. Tell me, Aura, does this 'unknown' wear the guise of that Earthling, Flash Gordon?

Baron: Flash Gordon!  Princess Aura, he is with the witch Queen Azura now.

Ming:  What?  Queen Azura is seeing me!  She’s my woman. I will destroy that Flash-

SFX:  Flapping wings and whoosh.

Ming: I’m afraid to look, who is it?

Prince Baron:  Uncover your eyes. It’s a representative from the Hawkmen, Ming.

Hawkman: Great Ming, the Sky City demands to know why our skies are darkened by your war rockets!

Ming: (irritated) Oh do stop molting all over my marble.  We're in the midst of some crucial matrimonial negotiations. Deal with your trivialities later! We're discussing matters of the heart and empire here.

SFX:  DOOR OPENS

Guard:  A scientist from the Frigian delegation, who is shivering outside, wishes for an audience with you, Ming.

Ming: Tell him I’m not here.

Frigian Scientist:    Emperor-

Ming SCREAMS IN SURPRISE

Frigian Scientist:  The ice caps of Frigia are melting at an alarming rate!  Flash Gordon and Dr Zarkov have been creating ice in zones that affect the planet’s ecosystem! 

Ming: Oh.  There you are. I didn’t say yes to an audience just now. 

Frigian Scientist:  What is your policy on the climate of Mongo?

Ming: Enough! Your environmental concerns can wait!   Can’t I just rule Mongo without all these administrative or political annoying problems?  What about the fun part!?

Baron: What’s the “fun” part?

Ming: There are a few.  Ignoring the counsel of advisors. Being immune from prosecution no matter what I do because I am the Emperor. Photo-ops, ghost written autobiographies, selling my hat merch and wielding power with the grace of a sledgehammer.  Killing people who talk about me with any irony or criticism. You know. Being merciless.

SFX Door CLOSES THEN OPENS AGAIN.

Lion Man: Emperor Ming! The Lion Men and your majesty are overdue to talk about the trade agreements between -

Ming: (roaring back) Silence, you furry fool! Leave us! Both of you!

SFX Footsteps and door opens and closes.

Ming:  Aura, your dalliance with Flash Gordon is a thorn in my side. His heroics with that meddlesome Queen Azura outshine even my most nefarious deeds!

Baron: Mighty Ming, let not your heart be troubled by Flash Gordon. Arboria offers its fleet to eclipse his endeavors, destroy him and restore your glory. If, of course, I can have your daughter’s hand in marriage

Ming: Baron, you wish that much to marry my daughter, the Princess whose mood swings are the stuff of legend, second only to the tales of my own tyranny?

Aura: (dreamily) Ah, Flash Gordon, a man of such daring... But dear Baron, your loyalty does stir something within me...

Ming: (plotting)  Perhaps there is a way to use this... love triangle to our advantage. Yes, we shall host a grand intergalactic lip sync battle.   Flash Gordon, Baron, and the champions of Mongo will compete for your hand, Aura. And the galaxy shall witness the might of Ming the Merciless!

Aura: I think it’s a terrible idea.

Baron: I can’t sing.

Ming:   Can you bowl?