The Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Flash Episode 5

A silly take on the original radio series Flash Gordon. #FlashGordon #vintageradio 
Starting April 22, 1935, and again in May 2022  the strip was adapted into The Amazing Interplanetary Adventures of Flash Gordon, a 26-episode weekly radio serial. The series followed the strip very closely, amounting to a week-by-week adaptation of the Sunday strip for most of its run. Flash Gordon was played by Tom Konkle, later famous for nothing in particular. The cast also includes Rhiannon McAfee as Dale Arden, Gino C. Vianelli as Captain Thune,  Stephanie Stearns Dulli as the Witch Queen Azora, Pete Lutz as Sal.  Pete Lutz  heads the Narada Radio Company.  Also starring  Kurtis Bedford as Zug and starring Pete Handelman as the announcer and Hawkman with a hose.  The original  radio series broke with the strip continuity in the last two episodes, when Flash, Dale and Zarkov returned to Earth. We broke it completely after we did a faithful version of episode one.  Edit and  Sound effects by Tom Konkle 

Directed by Tom Konkle.  .   Music by Bryan Arata.   The show comedy version script by Tom Konkle.  Producers Kurtis Bedford and Tom Konkle started the Mindstream Players.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/TomKonkle)

Discount Storytime

Proud winner of the Nobel "I Tried" Ribbon in Literature.

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Chapters

• 9:09 [Ad] Discount Storytime
• 9:57 (Cont.) The Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Flash Episode 5

Transcript

MUSIC BEGINS. 

NARRATOR (classic Pete H old school) 

The Reasonably Amazing Interplanetary Adventures Of Flash Gordon! 

For the benefit of those who were fortunate enough to have not heard our earlier four Mindstream  episodes of Flash Gordon, Flash and Dale Arden were thrown onto the new planet, Mongo. The two  Americans were sent to the terribly gentrified, prison city of the Hawkmen. In the wildly unpopular  tournament of death, Flash Gordon wins the unconquered kingdom of the caves and sets out to subdue  his domain. We now follow Flash Gordon in his attempt to enhance the curb appeal of the kingdom of  the cave.  

Friends, your colon might be due for service. Have you ever been in a restaurant where it feels like  there is such slow service you want to call a manager? Well, take it easy.  

What's mostly needed is to look at why your digestion is so upset. For your poor digestion, you need  something that works after nature's own order fails. Try Hersee's little colon pill. Swallow the little  brown pill when your upset and you feel headachey and irritable. Take Hersee's little colon pill for all  the calamities in your duodenum.  

You see, each day nature normally produces about two pints of a digestive juice mentioned as far back  as the bible, to help digest your food. If nature fails, your food may remain undigested for hours, days  or even months leaving you headachy and irritable. Swallowing these brown, sausage-shaped doughy  

pills with the trademark cracks in the surface, can make your colon cheerful and happy again. Take  Hersee's little, lumpy colon pills, they increase the flow of this vital process quickly, often in as little as  30 minutes and you're on the Hersee highway to feeling better. This “soon to be approved” artificial aid to counteract indigestion is Hersee's little colon pill, and only a suggestion after nature's own order  fails. Take Hersee's little colon pills. Some may vary in brown color, texture, amount, and odor. Get  them at any drugstore. Only 25 cents a plop. Sponsors of....The Reasonably Amazing Interplanetary  Adventures Of Flash Gordon! 

MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN

ANNOUNCER 

Now, having picked up a company of King Voltan's Hawkman, the huge rocket ship bearing Flash and  Dale to their new kingdom heads for the yawning mouth of Kira the wild and forbidding cave world.  The veritable red-light district of Mongo if you will. Following Ming's map and instructions,  Captain Thune steers a course for the Stronghold of Zug, the executive vice-president of the cavemen. The ship leaves the gloom of the first cave and enters another cave colossal in size and brilliantly  lighted. They get out of the rocketship, realize the great danger they are about to face, go back, land  the rocket ship first, and then get out of this time.  

FLASH 

Well Dale, we're here. 

DALE 

I know. I am standing here. 

FLASH 

It's visual. Bear with me, Dale. (beat) Oh! Oh! OH! 

DALE 

What? What is it? 

FLASH 

Thank you for asking. (under breath) You're getting this now. 

(loudly)  

Look Dale! 

DALE 

Ah. What a huge cave and look at all those little holes inside! 

FLASH 

Those must be the dwellings of my subjects.  

DALE 

Don't get a big head, Flash. 

FLASH 

Wait. Is all my kingdom like this? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

I've never been inside before, your majesty. 

DALE 

Seriously Captain Thune?!? You're giving the tour. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

 Nobody has ever explored this strange underground world. 

DALE 

Look men are coming out of those holes in the cliffs. Some of them look a bit sheepish...even guilty.  And yet, mostly, they are fierce looking men! 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

That powerful looking redheaded giant must be their leader we'll break the news to him, your majesty. 

FLASH 

Uh, him? The big one over there? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Yes, the twelve foot giant your majesty. 

GIANT GROWLS 

GIANT {ZUG} 

Why you come, eh, eh, eh? 

CAPTAIN Thune 

His majesty, Flash, the ruler of these caves demands 

FLASH  

Oh, you don't need to keep calling me that in front of him, Thune. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Certainly. New, absolute ruler of all the cave dwelling people. 

GIANT WALKS FASTER AND GROWLS 

FLASH 

Well, now let not be hasty. Let's introduce ourselves to him first, Thune. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Bend your knee oh red-haired one. This is mighty King Flash 

FLASH 

Oh. (nervous laugh) that's not necessary...uh Captain 

GIANT GROWLS 

GIANT (broken English) 

Who you think you are?! 

FLASH 

I'll tell who he is, he's a captain. See? He's very important too. It's not just me throwing my weight  around here.

CAPTAIN 

And this is Flash, the first ruler and King of the all the cave world by order of Ming the  Merciless, Emperor of Mongo. 

GIANT 

Who? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Ming. Ming the Merciless. The emperor of this world. 

GIANT  

We have an emperor? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Yes! Of course. You know. Ming. Ming the ruthless tyrant who rules the planet Mongo.  

GIANT 

Ah. Ah. What's a Mongo? 

CAPTAIN THUNE (shouting) 

What's a Mongo?!? Mongo is the planet your live on! Mongo is the name given to your world!  

GIANT  

I wouldn't name it Mongo.  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

It is Mongo. It's an agreed upon name now. It's Mongo. Where you live.  

GIANT  

Sounds like a made up word. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

All words are made up! That's the thing about words! Look, you make up a word then you agree  together that it means something. Right? Mongo is a made up word just like any other. 

GIANT (like a caveman) 

When we meet about that?  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

We didn't! It was decided a long time ago. It's Mongo. It's called Mongo. A made up name, yes. Silly,  maybe. But ,this is a dictatorship under an Emperor called Ming. So good luck having some sort of  retro-active Cave Community meeting about it at this point. The place ruled by the antagonistic Ming  the Merciless! 

GIANT  

What's merciless about him? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

What's merciless about Ming? Everything. Look, Flash is now your King-

GIANT  

No! No king ! 

DALE 

I agree. An emperor is a bit much already isn't it? You poor red-headed dear. 

GIANT  

Me crush. Me kill him!  

DALE 

Look he's picking up that stone! Oh! That reminds me of your testicles, Flash. 

FLASH 

You really think they are that large? 

DALE 

No, but they're just as dusty. 

[STONE AND EARTH MOVING] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Drop that stone actually! This is a ray pistol which can dissolve you into pieces! 

FLASH 

Wait Thune! I'll not rule any man I can't beat in superficially fair combat.  

GIANT  

I will fight you! 

WHOOSH of one PUNCH. LARGE THUD TO GROUND. 

GIANT  

Get up! Human. 

FLASH (muffled him face is in the dirt) 

No, I'm laying in wait! Like the devilish eel.  

GIANT  

What do you mean? 

WHACK 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Ow! Flash you hit me!! 

FLASH 

Sorry Thune. You leaned over to check on me, so I thought you were that enormous, red-bearded devil.

GIANT  

I am stronger than you! 

WHACK 

GIANT  

Hey! I wasn't ready for that Flash. You stronger. You Fastidious. You King! 

GROWLS 

FLASH 

Thanks, I'll make you my right-hand man. 

GIANT  

Why? What do you do with your right-hand? 

[distant howl] 

DALE (clears throat) 

I think we should run. 

GIANT  

It's that disgusting?  

DALE 

No. But now that you mention it, he was strangely drawn to all the holes in the cliffs on the way here. 

FLASH  

No, run! Run for your lives. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

He comes! 

DALE 

I know. 

GIANT  

The eater of men! 

FLASH 

Leave Dale out of this! 

DISTANT LIZARD ROARS IN THE CAVE. LUMBERING TOWARDS US 

DALE 

What's that big lizard monster!?

FLASH 

Let's go Dale! 

CAPTAIN Thune 

Run for your life ! 

FLASH 

Quick give me my signal gun! When that thing gets close enough 

DALE 

No! No! Shoot him now, Flash! 

[Music] {LASER BLASTS] [LIZARD HOWLS] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Good work your majesty! You have blinded him. 

{SILENCE} 

FLASH 

There he goes! Blinded! I don't think you'll ever be bothered by him again!  [SUDDEN LOUD HOWL AND LUNGE FROM THE LIZARD] 

{LASER BLASTS} DALE SCREAMS] 

DALE 

More like you're the blind one, Flash! How could you not see the lizard was right still attacking? [LASER BLAST}{THUD} 

DALE 

There. I got him. 

FLASH 

I was merely toying with it. Of course. 

DALE 

Yes. We know all about that, Mr. Right-Hand Man. 

FLASH 

Hey! You said you liked that! 

DALE 

Context is a real important part of the enjoyment of the right hand and the going blind thing, Flash. GIANT LUMBERS UP

GIANT  

Oh King! Me and my tribe fight for you always! 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

That was fast. 

FLASH 

Fine! With the Cavemen and the Hawkman. I'll conquer my kingdom  

[Music]  

ANNOUNCER 

Flash Gordon leads his army of Cavemen and Hawkmen into the immense caves which  make up his kingdom after progressing for a long time without seeing a living thing or having any  regard for personal hygiene, Flash decides to take Dale and go on a scouting expedition...at least that's  what they called it. An hour later, while walking through a cave of terrifying beauty, the two  Americans are suddenly surprised by a band of Lizardmen they drop from all sides hurling stones. Not  wanting to feel left out, a small squadron of Platypusman, an unholy union of water rat and duck  descend on our heroes as well. With their small, hairy, greyish balls and narrow elongated beaks and  robust legs, lacking wings… they still try to attack Flash, Dale and their army.  

{LIZARD SOUNDS} ROCKS AND STONES 

ANNOUNCER 

Flash is knocked out and Dale's signal gun shrieks its siren as she fires bolt after bolt at the charging  Lizard beasts. 

[LASER BLASTS IN THE CAVE] 

ANNOUNCER 

Back on the plane Captain Thune and Zug, the Red-Headed Giant Man, leak on their own feet as the  wailing of Dale's signal gun reaches their ears. But then with the wet-footed, seemingly fearless  Captain Thune at their head, the squad of Hawkmen then come to the rescue! 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Dale! Dale, what has happened to his majesty? 

DALE 

Lizardmen. They were the only ones who successfully attacked us and knocked Flash out. I fought  them all off, but they took Flash and  

creeped through that crevice. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

It's blocked with a huge stone. Men swing that quick firing gun into position. 

HAWKMAN 

That's..uh...not a quick firing gun.

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Yes it is! With haste men! Flash's life hangs in the 

HAWKMAN 

That's a multi-functional garden hose Captain. It's not 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Just do it! 

HAWKMAN 

(sigh)  

Okay. 

[SOUND OF GARDEN HOSE AND WATER] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Uh...okay. Right. There! This way Dale! Let us find his majesty  

DALE 

Look! Blood.  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

That means king flash came this way. Lizard man don't bleed red. 

DALE 

This passage seems more blocked up than your arteries my fine fellow. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Uh. Thanks. We'll have to use the micro gun. I'll get to the hole. Here I'll bend over and try to aim at it  now. 

HAWKMAN 

Can I turn off my hose now? 

DALE 

Wait, let me squeeze through that opening  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

What? Oh. Right. Sure. I'm game. Dale can you see the end? 

DALE 

Um. No. Oh not yet. If you could stand up and move over... 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Now?!

[ROCKS MOVE] 

DALE 

I'm stuck, but I can see light ahead.  

[MORE ROCK AND EARTH MOVING] 

FLASH 

Dale? 

DALE 

Flash darling! You're alive!  

FLASH 

I think so. Yes! I'm so glad. You'll have to get the hammer I can't budge this stone. 

DALE 

Can you reach my signal gun? 

FLASH 

Yes, I got it thanks!  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Quiet here come the Lizardmen after us! 

{MUSIC] 

ANNOUNCER 

In the meantime in the castle of Azora, the witch queen of the blue magic men, namer of clouds and  Rasputin impersonator, Sal the chief magician calls the Queen Azor's attention to something he sees in  the magic LED TV glass  

SAL (accent) 

Yeah, look oh Queen. 

AZORA 

Strangers to my caves.  

SAL 

Fighting with the Lizardmen see? They have blown down the stone with that garden hose and have  conquered their opponents. They are free. 

AZORA 

Where did you see that? What happened? Are we even looking at the same thing on the screen here? 

SAL 

There oh Queen. Well, earlier. You missed it. I called you before, but you were in the Queen's room  again.

AZORA 

I had beets. You know what they do to me. 

SAL 

Oh yes....yes. Ugh. 

AZORA 

They are coming this way. What a handsome blonde leader.  

Sal, we must go to welcome him. Give me a few hours to look natural. 

[MUSIC] 

EARTH QUAKING 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

What's that sound? 

FLASH 

Why the earth is trembling! The walls are shaking! 

{AVALACHE} 

DALE  

The soldiers! And the cavemen ! 

FLASH 

They're buried under an avalanche of stones!  

DALE 

That weird light! What does it mean? 

FLASH 

Look in the midst of the lower flames a woman! 

DALE 

Okay. Settle down Flash. Wow. 

AZORA 

Greetings strangers! 

FLASH 

Who are you? 

SAL 

Bend a knee of strangers. You are face to face with  

Azora, queen of the blue magic men, namer of clouds and Rasputin impersonator. 

DALE 

A queen? 

FLASH 

That explains the beard. I am King Flash I bend my knees to  no one. Man or woman. 

AZURA 

So make him bow to me, Sal. 

[POP. FIZZ. GASS ESCAPING] 

SAL 

The beets! 

FLASH 

Poison gas ! 

SAL 

Well... 

DALE 

Uh. It's strangling us ! 

SAL 

HA! Welcome to my world! She does that quite often in her sleep, too. Hehehe. 

FLASH 

Don't worry, Dale. Uh, uh. 

[strangling breathing] 

SAL 

Your smell is on them oh Queen. 

AZORA 

See! I'm pointing. They stink to the ground unconscious  

from the sleep gas.  

SAL 

That's one name for it. Yours is the power to bring them back. 

AZORA 

Sal? Open a window. 

SAL 

In the cave?

AZORA 

Fool! 

SAL 

I'm the foolish one? 

AZORA 

The fool! He thinks he can pitch his muscle against my sleep gas?! 

SAL 

How did you get that from what just happened? 

AZORA 

Have them carried to the gravity sled! We return to the castle!  

MUSIC BUILDS THEN FADES 

SFX GRAVITY SLED WITH SLEIGH BELLS PASSES QUICKLY 

SAL 

Queen Arora of the blah, blah, blah, blah... here are the three  

strangers laid out before you still in a deep slumber of revulsion from which only you have the power  to bring them back. What is your pleasure? 

AZORA 

Ah. He is so handsome! So big, turgid and strong even in sleep. 

 Sal use the pull motor. 

SAL 

He doesn't look like he needs it at the moment. The pull motor might be too much.  

AZORA 

Put the pull motor on him. Now! Bring this one  

back to the fullness of life. 

[strange sex toy sound begins and continues under dialogue] 

SAL 

There. His...ugh... eyelids quiver also. A shudder runs through his body.  

The blonde youth is coming back to us. 

FLASH (groggy) 

Oh! Don't worry Dale. I'm with you  

I'm-  

[the strange sex toy machine overloads and stops] 

FLASH 

Where am I? Oh you?!

ARORA 

Yes. Are you so displeased with my appearance? 

Am I not beautiful to look upon? 

FLASH 

 Dale! 

AZORA 

Save your breath. She cannot hear you. She cannot answer you. She is 

FLASH 

Dead! 

AZORA 

Oh.  

FLASH 

Dale! You, you witch. You killed her! 

AZORA 

Yes, I killed her. 

FLASH 

You stand there and admit it. 

AZORA 

I just did. 

FLASH 

What? 

AZORA 

I JUST ADMITTED! I killed her as I killed you and your  

other companion and I can bring her back as I brought you back to life from the bowels of Mongo.  

FLASH 

Then do it at once. 

AZORA 

You are young and full of life. It would be a pity to put such a fine person's manhood to death  

FLASH 

What are you talking about? 

AZORA 

One of you must die. Who shall it be. You? Or the girl?

FLASH 

You know there's only one answer to that ! 

AZORA 

Fine. Kill the woman. 

FLASH 

No! That's not the answer. 

AZORA 

The brave youth wishes to make the supreme sacrifice. 

FLASH 

You keep calling me youth. Have you had work done or something, or is it the makeup because you  look my age. 

ARORA 

Very noble, but very foolish I've changed my mind. You shall live...for me 

FLASH 

And Dale? What will happen to her ? 

AZORA 

If you promise to obey me forever, I will bring her back to life to torture you with the lost possibilities. 

FLASH 

Then I agree to your terms. 

AZORA 

Shall we seal our bargain with a drink and hot sex? 

FLASH 

Very well. 

[music rises and falls] [springs, thumps, rude noises] 

SAL 

Here it is oh Queen  

AZORA 

What? Here what is? What could I possibly need right now that you come in here and stand over us  naked?! 

SAL 

I'm not naked.

AZORA 

We are naked. Flash. Me. What is that? 

SAL 

This is the cup. For the drink. 

AZORA 

Ah. I forgot about the drink. Yes. Thank you. And now you are truly mine forever. [SIPS WINE] {FLASH COUGHS.] 

FLASH 

You drugged me! After we did it?!? 

AZORA 

Now you are truly mine...forever. 

FLASH 

 I can't just remember. Where am I? Who are you? Did the Knicks win the championship yet?  And who am I? 

ARORA 

Ah do not worry my soldier prince I am your queen. 

FLASH 

Queer, I can't remember who I am. I had something. I had something to do. I had to save  somebody.  

AZORA 

Sit back and relax. 

FLASH 

I must have been struck on the head during a battle forgive me for  

being so foggy.  

AZORA 

Oh you are forgiven my prince. Come with me. 

FLASH 

I though I just did. I can't remember, My mind is a blanket. Is blanket the right word I don't know  anymore words. To blondge te hoopoo. 

AZORA 

You mean you have forgotten even how to speak?! 

FLASH 

Everything! 

AZORA 

Sal! You idiot! How much did you put in this wine!?!? 

SAL 

I was distracted by your loveplay my queen! 

FLASH 

I have forgotten how to speak. Even don't know how to bring up our love.  

All I know is that you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen and had. Given I can't remember  past 5 minutes ago.  

AZORA 

Ah ! And that is what i have been waiting to hear you say. Listen my handsome prince I wish to test  you. Look at those two, lifeless blood soaked figures suspended there still soiling themselves as rigor  sets in. Do you know them?  

FLAS 

The Lionman and the girl...beautiful girl too. Blonde, voluptuous, limp, soiling herself, young 

AZORA 

Enough! Do you know them?! 

FLASH 

I never saw them before in my life. Could I recognize them? Have I ever met them? 

AZORA 

One more test. Sal! The pull motor. Bring that man back to life. 

[sounds of sex toy again]  

FLASH 

My queen I never thought I'd see someone stimulate a cadaver that way....can you wipe my mind  again? 

[sex toy sounds get frantic and wet] 

FLASH 

Now? 

SAL 

He is coming back on Queen 

AZORA 

Stand back! 

[Music]  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Mmmmmmm. Yeah. Your majesty...where is Dale? 

FLASH 

Dale ? Your majesty? What are you talking about?  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

You must be ill, your majesty. don't you know me? Thune of the Lionmen  

FLASH 

Azora, what is the man raving about? 

AZORA 

He's a war prisoner of ours. Crazy from wounds and the pull motor.  

FLASH 

Oh then I quite understand. I forgive him. 

AZORA 

I am glad you are loyal to me. 

FLASH  

I always will be, my beautiful queen.  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Flash! Flash! Listen to me! 

SAL 

Quiet lie back you! 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

You! I warn you! It will take a thousand times with that pull machine of yours and all your magic men  to keep me in chains!  

SAL 

I think not guards! Magic men! Bind him on all fours with the electric manacle. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

No! 

SAL 

Silence dog! I warn you if you disobey these manacles will become red hot and steal you to the bone. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Um what?!?!  

SAL 

And now for the girl... 

[sex toy sounds]

FLASH 

Hmm. Attachments too. 

AZORA 

It's good to be Queen, 

FLASH 

Yes. 

AZORA 

What? 

FLASH 

Nothing. 

{SEX TOY SOUNDS STOP] 

DALE 

My ..my... oh. Flash. oh. um. Ummm. Where are you? 

SAL 

You shall see him. Get up. Come this way. 

DALE 

Again? Where am I? 

SAL 

You are in the palace of Azora queen of the magic men etc, etc, when I draw these curtains you shall  see your lover in the arms of his queen, Azora. 

[sfx curtains drawn open] 

DALE 

Oh! Flesh! Lots of it. How could you? 

FLASH 

...listen your kingdom is very beautiful, my darling. I think I would enjoy the sight of food on you more. I'm starved. 

AZORA 

Ah, forgive me my prince. I was so interested in showing you the beauty of my palace I've forgotten  about food. 

FLASH 

I've never heard of that referred to as “a palace” before, my Queen. I must have forgotten so many  words.

AZORA 

Come in the dining room.  

FLASH  

We have everywhere else. 

DALE 

Oh Flash. It's so hard to see you do everything you used to do with me! 

AZORA (off mic) 

Oh cook! Some food! 

FLASH (off mic) 

You're not going to make the sandwich yourself? 

SAL 

Now strange girl. Come with me. 

DALE 

Never. I am Flash's forever. 

SAL 

No, I mean to the kitchen you shall serve them sandwiches. 

DALE 

NOOOOOOO! 

[DRAMATIC TRAGIC THEN SANDWICH MAKING MUSIC]  

ANNOUNCER 

Sal takes Dale to the kitchen of the evil witch Queen's palace where she joins Captain Tune who is  forced to be a sommelier and then prep chef helping prepare the food. 

[distant KITCHEN NOISES] 

CAPTAIN THUNE (whispered) 

Oh Dale. I feared for the worst. I even demanded that they test that pull motor on me every half hour  to...make sure it was in great shape to wake you up. You're safe? 

DALE (whispered) 

Yes. Thank you. Captain Thune. I'm glad to find you safe, but drained looking, as well. But Flash 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Yes. 

DALE 

But what has caused Flash to behave so.

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Maybe she's just amazing at...doing things. 

DALE 

No, No. It cant be. 

CAPTAIN THUNE (whisper) 

I don't know. She does have certain look about her. A certain confident, sexy manner, the long hair,  curving body, the well-appointed makeup, the smell, the 

DALE 

Oh stop. I can't contemplate it. What is it about her?? 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Yes. Uh...certainly it is a mystery. Um. To all of us. (whisper) Nothing to do with her sensual 

DALE (whisper) 

Yes! I do not know what it could be. 

CAPTAIN THUNE (whisper feverishly) 

Flash seems to be under some kind of spell. Poor devil. Lucky doomed compatriot. The way, even just  walking she undulates...this queen is indeed a witch. [laughs] Mmmm. 

SAL 

What are you doing?! 

[a plate, something wet, and some utensils hit the ground and spin to a rest] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

I am preparing the salad dressing and salad shooter.  

SAL 

Put that down! This is a kitchen you fool!  

Get to work! 

DALE 

 No! I won't! I won't do anything for her! 

SAL 

 You dare to rebel?!? Then take this magic, magnetic whip I took from Queen Azora.  

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Give me that whip or I'll break your neck! 

[WHIP CRACK. ELECTRICAL BOLTS] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

UHHHH!

DALE 

Surrender Thune! Please. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

For your sake, Dale...uhhh I surrender I will obey. 

[WHIP CRACK] 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

Oh yes! I mean...oh stop. I obey. Why are you whipping me too Dale? 

DALE 

I uh- Sorry. 

SAL 

Good. Obey. Now girls take this plate of food into the queen. Her new pudding is also ready to be  received with her new Prince. 

CAPTAIN THUNE 

I will help you with the tray, Dale! 

(whispered) 

One taste of my essence that I've now put all over the food and all of her magic won't save her. There,  my essence replaced the mayo before he caught me. 

(shouted boisterously) 

Now then, you can carry it! 

DALE (really loud and woodenly enthusiastic) 

Yes I shall ! I am in fact taking it in now!  

[slow mood source music plays]  

AZORA 

Ah, here comes the food. There's my prince... see Miss?  

DALE 

Oh! Flash 

[A TRAY FALLS] 

AZORA 

You clumsy fool! Scrape up the food and give it to us. 

DALE 

Don't you love me anymore Flash? 

FLASH 

Love you? I don't even know you girl. Could you show me something that might spring my memory? 

AZORA 

 I will teach this unruly and clumsy servant girl obedience. Guard! Give her the whip! [ELECTRONIC WHIP CRACK AND ELECTRICAL BOLT ] 

FLASH 

Hmm. I still don't remember. Try the buttocks. 

[ELECTRONIC WHIP CRACK] 

[Music]  

ANNOUNCER (old school) 

What will happen to Dale Arden, her clothes torn and skin reddened by the whip held in  the clutches of the cruel witch queen Azora. See for yourself in full colored pictures, the terrifying  situation that faces our friends in tomorrow's newspaper! 

Friends, when you married your husband you expected him to be as natural law created him without the new problems that a World War create for you in your marriage. To answer these and other personal  problems brought in by your spouse, friends and neighbors, “Reeks” presents Marvin J. Anthony,  founder of the famed Marital Relations Institute and his brand new program.  

Daily sessions of kindly and unhelpful advice. Just as Mr. Anthony brings examples to this studio  helping 1000s of men and women solve their personal problems, Reeks too is helping 1000s to solve  the important personal problem of underarm perspiration. Reeks helps you avoid perspiration damage  to clothes and safeguard friendships. Reeks, every day, helps out perspiration safely and at the same  time answers some of the existential problems that plague your marriage. Reeks everyday is the most  effective deodorant, with our patented aluminum based deodorant.  

You will find these pictures in next Sunday's magazine under your fathers bed which is  distributed in the health section of your Sunday newspaper and besides Flash Gordon you  will find all the other fake female friends waiting to entertain you.  

And the comic strips, Bringing Up Father, The Little Inappropriate Barney Google, Good ole Skippy  The Van Dweller On Parole, Polly and Her Overly Friendly Pals, Captain Jammer's Kids Tips and  Casper's Secret Island Outhouse, Wet Willy the Toilet, Mickey Mouse and many others! Be sure you  get the big full colored comic spread weekly with your magazines next Sunday and don't forget our  date next week at this same time for another chapter in the Reasonably Amazing Interplanetary  Adventures of Flash Gordon. 

[Music]  

CAST starring Tom Konkle Rhiannon McAfee, Gino C Vianelli, Pete Lutz, Pete Handelman, Kurtis Bedford,  Written and Directed by Tom Konkle.  Sound mix and effects by Vince Colavitti and Larry Groebe. Produced by Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford

[Music Out]