MUSIC BEGINS.
NARRATOR (classic Pete H old school)
The Reasonably Amazing Interplanetary Adventures Of Flash Gordon!
For the benefit of those who were fortunate enough to have not heard our earlier four Mindstream episodes of Flash Gordon, Flash and Dale Arden were thrown onto the new planet, Mongo. The two Americans were sent to the terribly gentrified, prison city of the Hawkmen. In the wildly unpopular tournament of death, Flash Gordon wins the unconquered kingdom of the caves and sets out to subdue his domain. We now follow Flash Gordon in his attempt to enhance the curb appeal of the kingdom of the cave.
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MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN
ANNOUNCER
Now, having picked up a company of King Voltan's Hawkman, the huge rocket ship bearing Flash and Dale to their new kingdom heads for the yawning mouth of Kira the wild and forbidding cave world. The veritable red-light district of Mongo if you will. Following Ming's map and instructions, Captain Thune steers a course for the Stronghold of Zug, the executive vice-president of the cavemen. The ship leaves the gloom of the first cave and enters another cave colossal in size and brilliantly lighted. They get out of the rocketship, realize the great danger they are about to face, go back, land the rocket ship first, and then get out of this time.
FLASH
Well Dale, we're here.
DALE
I know. I am standing here.
FLASH
It's visual. Bear with me, Dale. (beat) Oh! Oh! OH!
DALE
What? What is it?
FLASH
Thank you for asking. (under breath) You're getting this now.
(loudly)
Look Dale!
DALE
Ah. What a huge cave and look at all those little holes inside!
FLASH
Those must be the dwellings of my subjects.
DALE
Don't get a big head, Flash.
FLASH
Wait. Is all my kingdom like this?
CAPTAIN THUNE
I've never been inside before, your majesty.
DALE
Seriously Captain Thune?!? You're giving the tour.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Nobody has ever explored this strange underground world.
DALE
Look men are coming out of those holes in the cliffs. Some of them look a bit sheepish...even guilty. And yet, mostly, they are fierce looking men!
CAPTAIN THUNE
That powerful looking redheaded giant must be their leader we'll break the news to him, your majesty.
FLASH
Uh, him? The big one over there?
CAPTAIN THUNE
Yes, the twelve foot giant your majesty.
GIANT GROWLS
GIANT {ZUG}
Why you come, eh, eh, eh?
CAPTAIN Thune
His majesty, Flash, the ruler of these caves demands
FLASH
Oh, you don't need to keep calling me that in front of him, Thune.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Certainly. New, absolute ruler of all the cave dwelling people.
GIANT WALKS FASTER AND GROWLS
FLASH
Well, now let not be hasty. Let's introduce ourselves to him first, Thune.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Bend your knee oh red-haired one. This is mighty King Flash
FLASH
Oh. (nervous laugh) that's not necessary...uh Captain
GIANT GROWLS
GIANT (broken English)
Who you think you are?!
FLASH
I'll tell who he is, he's a captain. See? He's very important too. It's not just me throwing my weight around here.
CAPTAIN
And this is Flash, the first ruler and King of the all the cave world by order of Ming the Merciless, Emperor of Mongo.
GIANT
Who?
CAPTAIN THUNE
Ming. Ming the Merciless. The emperor of this world.
GIANT
We have an emperor?
CAPTAIN THUNE
Yes! Of course. You know. Ming. Ming the ruthless tyrant who rules the planet Mongo.
GIANT
Ah. Ah. What's a Mongo?
CAPTAIN THUNE (shouting)
What's a Mongo?!? Mongo is the planet your live on! Mongo is the name given to your world!
GIANT
I wouldn't name it Mongo.
CAPTAIN THUNE
It is Mongo. It's an agreed upon name now. It's Mongo. Where you live.
GIANT
Sounds like a made up word.
CAPTAIN THUNE
All words are made up! That's the thing about words! Look, you make up a word then you agree together that it means something. Right? Mongo is a made up word just like any other.
GIANT (like a caveman)
When we meet about that?
CAPTAIN THUNE
We didn't! It was decided a long time ago. It's Mongo. It's called Mongo. A made up name, yes. Silly, maybe. But ,this is a dictatorship under an Emperor called Ming. So good luck having some sort of retro-active Cave Community meeting about it at this point. The place ruled by the antagonistic Ming the Merciless!
GIANT
What's merciless about him?
CAPTAIN THUNE
What's merciless about Ming? Everything. Look, Flash is now your King-
GIANT
No! No king !
DALE
I agree. An emperor is a bit much already isn't it? You poor red-headed dear.
GIANT
Me crush. Me kill him!
DALE
Look he's picking up that stone! Oh! That reminds me of your testicles, Flash.
FLASH
You really think they are that large?
DALE
No, but they're just as dusty.
[STONE AND EARTH MOVING]
CAPTAIN THUNE
Drop that stone actually! This is a ray pistol which can dissolve you into pieces!
FLASH
Wait Thune! I'll not rule any man I can't beat in superficially fair combat.
GIANT
I will fight you!
WHOOSH of one PUNCH. LARGE THUD TO GROUND.
GIANT
Get up! Human.
FLASH (muffled him face is in the dirt)
No, I'm laying in wait! Like the devilish eel.
GIANT
What do you mean?
WHACK
CAPTAIN THUNE
Ow! Flash you hit me!!
FLASH
Sorry Thune. You leaned over to check on me, so I thought you were that enormous, red-bearded devil.
GIANT
I am stronger than you!
WHACK
GIANT
Hey! I wasn't ready for that Flash. You stronger. You Fastidious. You King!
GROWLS
FLASH
Thanks, I'll make you my right-hand man.
GIANT
Why? What do you do with your right-hand?
[distant howl]
DALE (clears throat)
I think we should run.
GIANT
It's that disgusting?
DALE
No. But now that you mention it, he was strangely drawn to all the holes in the cliffs on the way here.
FLASH
No, run! Run for your lives.
CAPTAIN THUNE
He comes!
DALE
I know.
GIANT
The eater of men!
FLASH
Leave Dale out of this!
DISTANT LIZARD ROARS IN THE CAVE. LUMBERING TOWARDS US
DALE
What's that big lizard monster!?
FLASH
Let's go Dale!
CAPTAIN Thune
Run for your life !
FLASH
Quick give me my signal gun! When that thing gets close enough
DALE
No! No! Shoot him now, Flash!
[Music] {LASER BLASTS] [LIZARD HOWLS]
CAPTAIN THUNE
Good work your majesty! You have blinded him.
{SILENCE}
FLASH
There he goes! Blinded! I don't think you'll ever be bothered by him again! [SUDDEN LOUD HOWL AND LUNGE FROM THE LIZARD]
{LASER BLASTS} DALE SCREAMS]
DALE
More like you're the blind one, Flash! How could you not see the lizard was right still attacking? [LASER BLAST}{THUD}
DALE
There. I got him.
FLASH
I was merely toying with it. Of course.
DALE
Yes. We know all about that, Mr. Right-Hand Man.
FLASH
Hey! You said you liked that!
DALE
Context is a real important part of the enjoyment of the right hand and the going blind thing, Flash. GIANT LUMBERS UP
GIANT
Oh King! Me and my tribe fight for you always!
CAPTAIN THUNE
That was fast.
FLASH
Fine! With the Cavemen and the Hawkman. I'll conquer my kingdom
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
Flash Gordon leads his army of Cavemen and Hawkmen into the immense caves which make up his kingdom after progressing for a long time without seeing a living thing or having any regard for personal hygiene, Flash decides to take Dale and go on a scouting expedition...at least that's what they called it. An hour later, while walking through a cave of terrifying beauty, the two Americans are suddenly surprised by a band of Lizardmen they drop from all sides hurling stones. Not wanting to feel left out, a small squadron of Platypusman, an unholy union of water rat and duck descend on our heroes as well. With their small, hairy, greyish balls and narrow elongated beaks and robust legs, lacking wings… they still try to attack Flash, Dale and their army.
{LIZARD SOUNDS} ROCKS AND STONES
ANNOUNCER
Flash is knocked out and Dale's signal gun shrieks its siren as she fires bolt after bolt at the charging Lizard beasts.
[LASER BLASTS IN THE CAVE]
ANNOUNCER
Back on the plane Captain Thune and Zug, the Red-Headed Giant Man, leak on their own feet as the wailing of Dale's signal gun reaches their ears. But then with the wet-footed, seemingly fearless Captain Thune at their head, the squad of Hawkmen then come to the rescue!
CAPTAIN THUNE
Dale! Dale, what has happened to his majesty?
DALE
Lizardmen. They were the only ones who successfully attacked us and knocked Flash out. I fought them all off, but they took Flash and
creeped through that crevice.
CAPTAIN THUNE
It's blocked with a huge stone. Men swing that quick firing gun into position.
HAWKMAN
That's..uh...not a quick firing gun.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Yes it is! With haste men! Flash's life hangs in the
HAWKMAN
That's a multi-functional garden hose Captain. It's not
CAPTAIN THUNE
Just do it!
HAWKMAN
(sigh)
Okay.
[SOUND OF GARDEN HOSE AND WATER]
CAPTAIN THUNE
Uh...okay. Right. There! This way Dale! Let us find his majesty
DALE
Look! Blood.
CAPTAIN THUNE
That means king flash came this way. Lizard man don't bleed red.
DALE
This passage seems more blocked up than your arteries my fine fellow.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Uh. Thanks. We'll have to use the micro gun. I'll get to the hole. Here I'll bend over and try to aim at it now.
HAWKMAN
Can I turn off my hose now?
DALE
Wait, let me squeeze through that opening
CAPTAIN THUNE
What? Oh. Right. Sure. I'm game. Dale can you see the end?
DALE
Um. No. Oh not yet. If you could stand up and move over...
CAPTAIN THUNE
Now?!
[ROCKS MOVE]
DALE
I'm stuck, but I can see light ahead.
[MORE ROCK AND EARTH MOVING]
FLASH
Dale?
DALE
Flash darling! You're alive!
FLASH
I think so. Yes! I'm so glad. You'll have to get the hammer I can't budge this stone.
DALE
Can you reach my signal gun?
FLASH
Yes, I got it thanks!
CAPTAIN THUNE
Quiet here come the Lizardmen after us!
{MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER
In the meantime in the castle of Azora, the witch queen of the blue magic men, namer of clouds and Rasputin impersonator, Sal the chief magician calls the Queen Azor's attention to something he sees in the magic LED TV glass
SAL (accent)
Yeah, look oh Queen.
AZORA
Strangers to my caves.
SAL
Fighting with the Lizardmen see? They have blown down the stone with that garden hose and have conquered their opponents. They are free.
AZORA
Where did you see that? What happened? Are we even looking at the same thing on the screen here?
SAL
There oh Queen. Well, earlier. You missed it. I called you before, but you were in the Queen's room again.
AZORA
I had beets. You know what they do to me.
SAL
Oh yes....yes. Ugh.
AZORA
They are coming this way. What a handsome blonde leader.
Sal, we must go to welcome him. Give me a few hours to look natural.
[MUSIC]
EARTH QUAKING
CAPTAIN THUNE
What's that sound?
FLASH
Why the earth is trembling! The walls are shaking!
{AVALACHE}
DALE
The soldiers! And the cavemen !
FLASH
They're buried under an avalanche of stones!
DALE
That weird light! What does it mean?
FLASH
Look in the midst of the lower flames a woman!
DALE
Okay. Settle down Flash. Wow.
AZORA
Greetings strangers!
FLASH
Who are you?
SAL
Bend a knee of strangers. You are face to face with
Azora, queen of the blue magic men, namer of clouds and Rasputin impersonator.
DALE
A queen?
FLASH
That explains the beard. I am King Flash I bend my knees to no one. Man or woman.
AZURA
So make him bow to me, Sal.
[POP. FIZZ. GASS ESCAPING]
SAL
The beets!
FLASH
Poison gas !
SAL
Well...
DALE
Uh. It's strangling us !
SAL
HA! Welcome to my world! She does that quite often in her sleep, too. Hehehe.
FLASH
Don't worry, Dale. Uh, uh.
[strangling breathing]
SAL
Your smell is on them oh Queen.
AZORA
See! I'm pointing. They stink to the ground unconscious
from the sleep gas.
SAL
That's one name for it. Yours is the power to bring them back.
AZORA
Sal? Open a window.
SAL
In the cave?
AZORA
Fool!
SAL
I'm the foolish one?
AZORA
The fool! He thinks he can pitch his muscle against my sleep gas?!
SAL
How did you get that from what just happened?
AZORA
Have them carried to the gravity sled! We return to the castle!
MUSIC BUILDS THEN FADES
SFX GRAVITY SLED WITH SLEIGH BELLS PASSES QUICKLY
SAL
Queen Arora of the blah, blah, blah, blah... here are the three
strangers laid out before you still in a deep slumber of revulsion from which only you have the power to bring them back. What is your pleasure?
AZORA
Ah. He is so handsome! So big, turgid and strong even in sleep.
Sal use the pull motor.
SAL
He doesn't look like he needs it at the moment. The pull motor might be too much.
AZORA
Put the pull motor on him. Now! Bring this one
back to the fullness of life.
[strange sex toy sound begins and continues under dialogue]
SAL
There. His...ugh... eyelids quiver also. A shudder runs through his body.
The blonde youth is coming back to us.
FLASH (groggy)
Oh! Don't worry Dale. I'm with you
I'm-
[the strange sex toy machine overloads and stops]
FLASH
Where am I? Oh you?!
ARORA
Yes. Are you so displeased with my appearance?
Am I not beautiful to look upon?
FLASH
Dale!
AZORA
Save your breath. She cannot hear you. She cannot answer you. She is
FLASH
Dead!
AZORA
Oh.
FLASH
Dale! You, you witch. You killed her!
AZORA
Yes, I killed her.
FLASH
You stand there and admit it.
AZORA
I just did.
FLASH
What?
AZORA
I JUST ADMITTED! I killed her as I killed you and your
other companion and I can bring her back as I brought you back to life from the bowels of Mongo.
FLASH
Then do it at once.
AZORA
You are young and full of life. It would be a pity to put such a fine person's manhood to death
FLASH
What are you talking about?
AZORA
One of you must die. Who shall it be. You? Or the girl?
FLASH
You know there's only one answer to that !
AZORA
Fine. Kill the woman.
FLASH
No! That's not the answer.
AZORA
The brave youth wishes to make the supreme sacrifice.
FLASH
You keep calling me youth. Have you had work done or something, or is it the makeup because you look my age.
ARORA
Very noble, but very foolish I've changed my mind. You shall live...for me
FLASH
And Dale? What will happen to her ?
AZORA
If you promise to obey me forever, I will bring her back to life to torture you with the lost possibilities.
FLASH
Then I agree to your terms.
AZORA
Shall we seal our bargain with a drink and hot sex?
FLASH
Very well.
[music rises and falls] [springs, thumps, rude noises]
SAL
Here it is oh Queen
AZORA
What? Here what is? What could I possibly need right now that you come in here and stand over us naked?!
SAL
I'm not naked.
AZORA
We are naked. Flash. Me. What is that?
SAL
This is the cup. For the drink.
AZORA
Ah. I forgot about the drink. Yes. Thank you. And now you are truly mine forever. [SIPS WINE] {FLASH COUGHS.]
FLASH
You drugged me! After we did it?!?
AZORA
Now you are truly mine...forever.
FLASH
I can't just remember. Where am I? Who are you? Did the Knicks win the championship yet? And who am I?
ARORA
Ah do not worry my soldier prince I am your queen.
FLASH
Queer, I can't remember who I am. I had something. I had something to do. I had to save somebody.
AZORA
Sit back and relax.
FLASH
I must have been struck on the head during a battle forgive me for
being so foggy.
AZORA
Oh you are forgiven my prince. Come with me.
FLASH
I though I just did. I can't remember, My mind is a blanket. Is blanket the right word I don't know anymore words. To blondge te hoopoo.
AZORA
You mean you have forgotten even how to speak?!
FLASH
Everything!
AZORA
Sal! You idiot! How much did you put in this wine!?!?
SAL
I was distracted by your loveplay my queen!
FLASH
I have forgotten how to speak. Even don't know how to bring up our love.
All I know is that you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen and had. Given I can't remember past 5 minutes ago.
AZORA
Ah ! And that is what i have been waiting to hear you say. Listen my handsome prince I wish to test you. Look at those two, lifeless blood soaked figures suspended there still soiling themselves as rigor sets in. Do you know them?
FLAS
The Lionman and the girl...beautiful girl too. Blonde, voluptuous, limp, soiling herself, young
AZORA
Enough! Do you know them?!
FLASH
I never saw them before in my life. Could I recognize them? Have I ever met them?
AZORA
One more test. Sal! The pull motor. Bring that man back to life.
[sounds of sex toy again]
FLASH
My queen I never thought I'd see someone stimulate a cadaver that way....can you wipe my mind again?
[sex toy sounds get frantic and wet]
FLASH
Now?
SAL
He is coming back on Queen
AZORA
Stand back!
[Music]
CAPTAIN THUNE
Mmmmmmm. Yeah. Your majesty...where is Dale?
FLASH
Dale ? Your majesty? What are you talking about?
CAPTAIN THUNE
You must be ill, your majesty. don't you know me? Thune of the Lionmen
FLASH
Azora, what is the man raving about?
AZORA
He's a war prisoner of ours. Crazy from wounds and the pull motor.
FLASH
Oh then I quite understand. I forgive him.
AZORA
I am glad you are loyal to me.
FLASH
I always will be, my beautiful queen.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Flash! Flash! Listen to me!
SAL
Quiet lie back you!
CAPTAIN THUNE
You! I warn you! It will take a thousand times with that pull machine of yours and all your magic men to keep me in chains!
SAL
I think not guards! Magic men! Bind him on all fours with the electric manacle.
CAPTAIN THUNE
No!
SAL
Silence dog! I warn you if you disobey these manacles will become red hot and steal you to the bone.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Um what?!?!
SAL
And now for the girl...
[sex toy sounds]
FLASH
Hmm. Attachments too.
AZORA
It's good to be Queen,
FLASH
Yes.
AZORA
What?
FLASH
Nothing.
{SEX TOY SOUNDS STOP]
DALE
My ..my... oh. Flash. oh. um. Ummm. Where are you?
SAL
You shall see him. Get up. Come this way.
DALE
Again? Where am I?
SAL
You are in the palace of Azora queen of the magic men etc, etc, when I draw these curtains you shall see your lover in the arms of his queen, Azora.
[sfx curtains drawn open]
DALE
Oh! Flesh! Lots of it. How could you?
FLASH
...listen your kingdom is very beautiful, my darling. I think I would enjoy the sight of food on you more. I'm starved.
AZORA
Ah, forgive me my prince. I was so interested in showing you the beauty of my palace I've forgotten about food.
FLASH
I've never heard of that referred to as “a palace” before, my Queen. I must have forgotten so many words.
AZORA
Come in the dining room.
FLASH
We have everywhere else.
DALE
Oh Flash. It's so hard to see you do everything you used to do with me!
AZORA (off mic)
Oh cook! Some food!
FLASH (off mic)
You're not going to make the sandwich yourself?
SAL
Now strange girl. Come with me.
DALE
Never. I am Flash's forever.
SAL
No, I mean to the kitchen you shall serve them sandwiches.
DALE
NOOOOOOO!
[DRAMATIC TRAGIC THEN SANDWICH MAKING MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER
Sal takes Dale to the kitchen of the evil witch Queen's palace where she joins Captain Tune who is forced to be a sommelier and then prep chef helping prepare the food.
[distant KITCHEN NOISES]
CAPTAIN THUNE (whispered)
Oh Dale. I feared for the worst. I even demanded that they test that pull motor on me every half hour to...make sure it was in great shape to wake you up. You're safe?
DALE (whispered)
Yes. Thank you. Captain Thune. I'm glad to find you safe, but drained looking, as well. But Flash
CAPTAIN THUNE
Yes.
DALE
But what has caused Flash to behave so.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Maybe she's just amazing at...doing things.
DALE
No, No. It cant be.
CAPTAIN THUNE (whisper)
I don't know. She does have certain look about her. A certain confident, sexy manner, the long hair, curving body, the well-appointed makeup, the smell, the
DALE
Oh stop. I can't contemplate it. What is it about her??
CAPTAIN THUNE
Yes. Uh...certainly it is a mystery. Um. To all of us. (whisper) Nothing to do with her sensual
DALE (whisper)
Yes! I do not know what it could be.
CAPTAIN THUNE (whisper feverishly)
Flash seems to be under some kind of spell. Poor devil. Lucky doomed compatriot. The way, even just walking she undulates...this queen is indeed a witch. [laughs] Mmmm.
SAL
What are you doing?!
[a plate, something wet, and some utensils hit the ground and spin to a rest]
CAPTAIN THUNE
I am preparing the salad dressing and salad shooter.
SAL
Put that down! This is a kitchen you fool!
Get to work!
DALE
No! I won't! I won't do anything for her!
SAL
You dare to rebel?!? Then take this magic, magnetic whip I took from Queen Azora.
CAPTAIN THUNE
Give me that whip or I'll break your neck!
[WHIP CRACK. ELECTRICAL BOLTS]
CAPTAIN THUNE
UHHHH!
DALE
Surrender Thune! Please.
CAPTAIN THUNE
For your sake, Dale...uhhh I surrender I will obey.
[WHIP CRACK]
CAPTAIN THUNE
Oh yes! I mean...oh stop. I obey. Why are you whipping me too Dale?
DALE
I uh- Sorry.
SAL
Good. Obey. Now girls take this plate of food into the queen. Her new pudding is also ready to be received with her new Prince.
CAPTAIN THUNE
I will help you with the tray, Dale!
(whispered)
One taste of my essence that I've now put all over the food and all of her magic won't save her. There, my essence replaced the mayo before he caught me.
(shouted boisterously)
Now then, you can carry it!
DALE (really loud and woodenly enthusiastic)
Yes I shall ! I am in fact taking it in now!
[slow mood source music plays]
AZORA
Ah, here comes the food. There's my prince... see Miss?
DALE
Oh! Flash
[A TRAY FALLS]
AZORA
You clumsy fool! Scrape up the food and give it to us.
DALE
Don't you love me anymore Flash?
FLASH
Love you? I don't even know you girl. Could you show me something that might spring my memory?
AZORA
I will teach this unruly and clumsy servant girl obedience. Guard! Give her the whip! [ELECTRONIC WHIP CRACK AND ELECTRICAL BOLT ]
FLASH
Hmm. I still don't remember. Try the buttocks.
[ELECTRONIC WHIP CRACK]
[Music]
ANNOUNCER (old school)
What will happen to Dale Arden, her clothes torn and skin reddened by the whip held in the clutches of the cruel witch queen Azora. See for yourself in full colored pictures, the terrifying situation that faces our friends in tomorrow's newspaper!
Friends, when you married your husband you expected him to be as natural law created him without the new problems that a World War create for you in your marriage. To answer these and other personal problems brought in by your spouse, friends and neighbors, “Reeks” presents Marvin J. Anthony, founder of the famed Marital Relations Institute and his brand new program.
Daily sessions of kindly and unhelpful advice. Just as Mr. Anthony brings examples to this studio helping 1000s of men and women solve their personal problems, Reeks too is helping 1000s to solve the important personal problem of underarm perspiration. Reeks helps you avoid perspiration damage to clothes and safeguard friendships. Reeks, every day, helps out perspiration safely and at the same time answers some of the existential problems that plague your marriage. Reeks everyday is the most effective deodorant, with our patented aluminum based deodorant.
You will find these pictures in next Sunday's magazine under your fathers bed which is distributed in the health section of your Sunday newspaper and besides Flash Gordon you will find all the other fake female friends waiting to entertain you.
And the comic strips, Bringing Up Father, The Little Inappropriate Barney Google, Good ole Skippy The Van Dweller On Parole, Polly and Her Overly Friendly Pals, Captain Jammer's Kids Tips and Casper's Secret Island Outhouse, Wet Willy the Toilet, Mickey Mouse and many others! Be sure you get the big full colored comic spread weekly with your magazines next Sunday and don't forget our date next week at this same time for another chapter in the Reasonably Amazing Interplanetary Adventures of Flash Gordon.
[Music]
CAST starring Tom Konkle Rhiannon McAfee, Gino C Vianelli, Pete Lutz, Pete Handelman, Kurtis Bedford, Written and Directed by Tom Konkle. Sound mix and effects by Vince Colavitti and Larry Groebe. Produced by Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford
[Music Out]
